KC3 essay rough draft
More people come into Hawaii wanting to see what Tv shows have showed them, but that's not what they get. They see what Hawaii really is, an expensive, pollution infested, homeless filled and very traffic place to live. Overpopulation a very serious issue causing many things to go wrong in "paradise". Pollution is bad for it subtracts from Hawaii's uniqueness. Pollution is a major problem that needs to be fixed. Also that pollution is bad for Hawaii's diverse animal species some that only exist in Hawaii. Due to overpopulation, there is pollution which is becoming a major problem in Hawaii.
Pollution is giving Hawaii a negative result and thats all due to overpopulation. Pollution causes animals to have diseases that may be fatal to the animal. Given that, Hawaii has a range of indigenous species and some that are already in danger of extinction. One of which has a known disease that is fatal to them. Pollution is a problem that is needing to be fixed to help animal that are in need of it. The species that are endangered are the green sea turtle. The green sea turtle is one of the many endangered species that are endangered due to pollution. There are small amounts of the green sea turtle due to the disease fibropapapillomatosis. This disease happens when nitrogen runoffs go into the turtles source of food; seaweed. Diseases that are affecting endangered species alike due to all of the pollution.
The disease fibropapapillomatosis is fatal to the green sea turtle. This disease is very fatal to the sea green turtle. The disease create deformities that then attach to the turtle and slowly kill them. This disease is all due to all the nitrogen runoffs, that are due to all the pollution. Pollution mostly caused by overpopulation. Nitrogen coming from dirt runoffs fall into the ocean and makes its way into the ocean. Where the seaweed absorbs the nitrogen then the green sea turtle comes along and eats the nitrogen enriched seaweed which then starts the deformities. This disease is cause of the overpopulation. Overpopulation can be fixed by telling the truth about Hawaii and giving Hawaii a needed break.
Pollution will affect Hawaii giving problems that will affect us. Pollution is a major problem that needs to be fixed. Endangered species, the beauty of Hawaii and the disruption of the food chain. Do you want all this to go away and not be here?
I think your essay is a pretty good start. I think you should be a tad less harsh on Hawaii. Sure there are a lot of problems but that's not all they see. I think you are redundant as well when you point out that pollution affects animals (green sea turtle), who else does it affect and when you said that pollution is a problem that needs to be fixed. Finally, I think you should fix your grammar (very traffic place to live??)
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ReplyDeleteYou had a nice intro, but the reading flow wasnt smooth. (Jordan's example)
ReplyDeleteA solution is that you go back and proofread & edit. I noticed that you repeated yourself & I suggest that you also should replace the sentence where you repeated yourself to information about the relationship between pollution and disease..
"The disease fibropapapillomatosis is fatal to the green sea turtle. This disease is very fatal to the sea green turtle."
AS(1) YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THE ESSAY NEEDS TO BE A FIVE PARAGRAPH ESSAY AND THE BODY PARAGRAPHS NEED TO BE CHUNKY PARAGRAPHS. SECONDLY YOUR IDEAS ARE TOO MUCH ALL OVER THE PLACE. YOU TALK ABOUT POLLUTION AS YOUR THESIS STATEMENT BUT THEN JUMP ALL OF A SUDDEN TO SEA TURTLES IN YOUR 1ST BODY PARAGRAPH THEN TO SPECIFIC DISEASE IN YOUR 2ND BODY PARAGRAPH. YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOUR ESSAY'S PURPOSE IS, REWORK YOUR THESIS AND THEN GO FROM THERE.
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